i just want summer now. i want my grades up from all the hard work i’ve been putting forward these past few weeks, i want school out and i want to be living summer already. i don’t have a clue what it will hold and that’s okay. i just want it to be long (even though it won’t be nearly long enough), full and beautiful.
lately when considering my feelings towards certain things and what i’m wanting out of my life at this point, i’m feeling obligated to divide my life into two sections.
part one: consumed with deep emotional attachment, memories and longing. what i know and what i’ve worked to know for a long time. what i love but can’t necessarily have. what’s been hurt.
what i’ve been able to make myself less sensative towards over the past few months. and what i don’t feel safe acting on any longer so i try litte to acknowledge.
part two: what i deserve to have. fun. unattached, undefined fun. feelings that haven’t been abused and taken advantage of.
things i haven’t necessarily experienced, at least not to the extent of ‘part 1.’ things that haven’t necessarily hurt me before.
the part that consumes me with fear and excitement because of the uncertainty is holds in store. consumes me with worry of rejection and guilt for disloyalty to ‘part 1.’
things i’ve been indulging myself with. feelings that have been consuming me.
i haven’t know what i’ve been doing in weeks now, and i find that walking through life blindly is not only slightly intimidating but also exhilarating. and for all the right reasons, i fear.
